Reactions to Change

On Tuesday afternoon I went to the doctor. I thought that it would be the routine check over and hoped that the doctor would tell me what she and the other board of doctors had decided regarding my case. I was prepared to hear that they would give me 5 more doses of chemo and that would be that. However, I was not prepared to have my doctor tell me that I had only one more chemo and then radiation! It shocked me and that shock sent a wave of thoughts and emotions through my body.

Hold on! Radiation? I thought we were trying to avoid this because of data that shows that it could cause cancers later in life. Are you sure about radiation? How did we reach this decision?

My doctor said that some of the radiation technology has improved and that she felt comfortable with this route.

Woohoo! Last chemo on Friday! I'm done! Done with those drugs! Will I get my picc line out of my arm? What? On Friday? Right after chemo? YES! The worlds longest and most relaxing shower is about to happen! I can go lift weights! I can go out without feeling self-conscious about the tubes coming out my arm!

You will meet with the radiation oncologist next week.

What does radiation hold? Are we making the right decision? What if it does produce cancer later in life? What will radiation be like? Radiation or chemo? Suddenly it all seems like pick your poison.

You will be done with chemo!

Done? That's great! It's so easy to rejoice, especially with others and my family. But, in the alone moments, it's harder. What about others who are not done? What about the girl who is only one chemo behind me and has a very similar case? Will she be done? What about the other patients who seem to see no end to the cycles of chemo? I feel guilty for being so blessed. When I walk out of this cancer center, I will be viewed as the unlucky one, the one who has cancer. However, in the cancer center, I am the lucky one; I am the fortunate one. Why me? How do I go to my last chemo and look at the others who might be there off and on for a year more? Thank you, Jesus, for letting me done; but, what about the others? As you can see, Lord, I still wrestle with your sovereignty.

Alright, that will be all. Congratulations!

Thank You, Lord. Like salvation from sin, I am undeserving. Thank You for your grace. Please, continue to sustain me. I am nothing without You.

Dear fellow patient and friend

I know exactly where you are right now. You, like me, are sitting in a reclining chair hooked up to the medicine that drives your body crazy but is slowly healing. I am thinking of you. We are buddies now. There is something about facing a similar hardship that drives you together. There is a bond.
I am praying for you. I know that we were both not expecting this. We were both planning on being done with this sooner. But God is sovereign and we are both learning to lean on His grace. We are learning lots of lessons about our Lord. Many times there are questions. Sometimes there are answers. Always there is the peace that we are not alone in this. I am praying that God heals your body quickly. I am praying that this treatment goes well. I am praying that you will have joy in all things.
They are walking and running in honor of us today, in honor of all who are fighting a similar battle. I feel humbled and grateful and honored all at the same time. They have named the team after me. However, all I could think of when I woke up today was you. They are doing this for you and for me. They are doing this so that you and I will have more birthdays. More birthdays, not just to enjoy life on earth, but to tell others about our Sovereign Lord and His glorious Gospel. How profound...we have more time. Time to do what with our lives? I am convicted by the idea.
I hope you are doing well. It is chilly in my treatment room; is it chilly in yours? Are you staring out a window like I am? We will get through this, I know. God will get us through the moments that make up days and the days that make up the long months ahead. Just know, I am thinking and praying...for you.
Your friend

(this post is in honor of Don Callahan, a man from my church in High Point who is going through chemotherapy treatment as well)

Pichincha

On Saturday evening Mom, Dad, and I went to a Isle of Wight Humane Society function. We were off to see the doggies. I had seen some puppies online and knew of one that I was specifically interested in adopting. On the drive over I prayed she would be there.
And she was! There in a pen was a small Australian Shepherd mix pup. They called her Bobbie because she had a slight vision/balance problem and looked like a bobble head. I picked her up and held her and knew that she was the one I wanted.
Yes, Mom and Dad allowed me to adopt a puppy! And I am so thankful. She has helped to take my mind off of so many overwhelming things. She has given me a playmate and friend.
I named her Pichincha after a volcano in Ecuador. Mount Pichincha sits right by Quito and I used to see it every morning when I looked out the kitchen window. It was such a pretty mountain. So her name is Pichincha and we call her Chincha for short, or if you are dad, Chichi.
She is just a little bit quirky, but we like that. We love that she is quite content to take naps in between our feet as we work at the kitchen table during the day. And we think it is quite comical that she often walks right into us when we are taking her for walks.
I was thinking this morning as I did my devotions. God is the Giver of all things. He gives rain to the ground, as we have seen this past week. He gives grace when we are struggling and even when we are "doing okay." I know this may sound hokey, but I was thanking Him for Chincha. I was thanking Him for all things, even puppies. He is the Giver of all good gifts. His gifts do not satisfy, however, they point us back in thankfulness the the Giver who does.

Happiness is many smiles...

Thank you for your prayers. God is so gracious and good in providing the strength and grace for each day, each moment. To Him alone be the praise!
Last weekend Jon and I got to travel to High Point, NC to see friends and family. We arrived on a sunny Friday morning and spent the day chatting with friends. It was so wonderful to see my Spanish professors at High Point University. I feel like they are the "Dream Team" down there! What amazing people! Then, we got to sit and talk with friends on the couches in Slane. It was such an encouragement to both of us. So many smiles and so many hugs. The Rosses let us stay with them and we enjoyed catching up as well as continuing the forever-long argument of which school is better, UNC or NC State. Everytime I go into that house I am assaulted with genuine love and, of course, Tarheel blue. Throughout the weekend we spent time with friends and family, enjoying great conversations and so many laughs. Those times are precious to me. They are like gold.
Then, this week I had the privilege of substitute teaching for the Spanish teacher at my high school. I had a blast! Thank you, Lord, for such a great opportunity! I so enjoyed being in a classroom and teaching my favorite language in the world.
And now I am back in the treatment room. I hate the thought of being in bed for the next few days, however, God has a plan, even for those days when I am sick and in bed. And I can worship Him even from a horizontal position.

I am learning...

about delighting in simple things
about how much smiles mean
the compassion of others
about the love of my Father

about the power of laughter
the excitement of flowers
about the flow of tears
about the grasp of fears

the beauty of a bald head
the comfort of being led
about grace and humility
about standing before Majesty

the stillness of silence
about weighing resistance
about weakness and pain
the joy of feeling yourself again

about patience and resting
the hard battles of wrestling
about leaning and trusting in
the wonder of the Sovereign

Wrestling

I have often wondered what it was like for Jacob that one night in Peniel. Jacob was facing a crisis in his life; he was preparing to meet his vengeful brother, Esau. He divided up his family and went off to be alone. He had no idea what he would face the next day. During that night, he wrestled with a Man. Little did he know, he was wrestling with God.
I have felt a lot like Jacob over the past week. Chemo looks like it will take longer than I had hoped. In fact, doctors are not sure what route they will take yet (either chemo, radiation, or perhaps a combo). This week I have felt like I have been wrestling. I do not know what the future holds. I feel like I cannot even get a grasp on the present. I have felt angry, depressed, and apathetic. It has been a struggle to take joy. I have gone through a heart's wrestling with the Father.
I wonder if Jacob fought for control that night. I wonder if he fought to protect what he idolized. I wonder if he fought out of fear. In the course of wrestling, God causes his hip to come out of joint. No wrestler leaves a fight unscathed. This injury would remain for the rest of his life. Job was humbled as well after his own wrestling match with the Lord. We walk away, humbled, because we have stared the Almighty in the face and He has proved victorious over our sinful hearts. We walk away remembering, that although we are dust, God loves us and blesses us through the Gospel.

Prayer Requests:
* One of the side effects of chemo is hormonal changes. This basically just means an emotional roller coaster. Please pray for grace. Tears come easy and joy seems so far.
* Pray for mental strength. It is hard to concentrate on reading and writing as well as other tasks.
* Please pray that I can share the Gospel with some of my nurses as well as other patients.

Thank you so much for your prayers.

And in every season, we are satisfied. For just one reason, Christ was crucified.

Cancer: My fairytale

I sat on the front row of the Denbigh Baptist Christian School talent show and dinner. I was having serious regrets about the hotdog that I had just consumed (this was the Monday after chemo and I was still nauseous) but was still enjoying the music of the evening. Three girls stood on stage and sang one of those country songs that describes a fairytale existence for a girl. My guess, it was by our favorite country girl star, Taylor Swift, who continually sings about every girl's dream life. I remembered back to a few summers ago when I was driving with a couple of girls from the youth group I was leading at the time. We had the windows rolled down and we were belting out one of these songs. You have to admit, Swift does create some great car singing music, at least for us girls.
Life had seemed like such a fairytale then.
Things in my life seem to have fallen into place perfectly. I had a wonderful family. I was going to a great school and studying what I had wanted to study all my life. I had met the perfect guy, he had romanced my socks off, and we were going to get married. I would graduate and we would live happily ever after with several kids and a dog. Everything seemed to be working out according to my plans.
Then, I was diagnosed. Everything seemed to be falling apart. Would I graduate? Would I get a job? How were we going to live? Was I going to beat this cancer? Suddenly, I looked around and thought, "I am not living in a fairytale anymore." There was no way cancer had been part of the plan.
At the start of these girls' rendition of their fairytale song, I was mourning the loss of my fairytale. I was hoping that their dreams did not get battered like mine. However, as I sat there, I thought about God's plan for my life. As a Christian, I believe that He is daily, and in every circumstance, moving to draw me closer and closer to Himself. Romans 8:18-30 speaks of suffering yet also about how God is working all things together for the good of those who love Him. He is conforming us to the image of His Son. My "good" is not ultimately that I will be cured or that I will one day have the career and family that I always dreamed of. My "good" is knowing Christ more.
Cancer is part of my fairytale.
Although cancer seems to have taken so much from me (student teaching, last semester at college, my physical fitness, and my love for cheeseburgers), it has not taken away my love for my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. In fact, it is making me love Him more. Daily I have to battle to be content with where He has me and to trust in Him when I do not know what even the next day brings. Daily I must remember the Gospel, that Jesus Christ died to pay for my sins so that I might know Him now and one day be with Him forever. Even though it is such a day by day struggle, I am falling deeper and deeper in love with Jesus Christ. Cancer has not taken away my fairytale dreams. God is using this to draw me closer and closer in the ultimate fairytale of being wooed by Christ.

Contentment

"For I have learned in whatever state I am, to be content." Philippians 4:11

Four treatments down...an unknown amount to go. God is sure showing this OCD planning chick that she must rest in Him. Hopefully I have reached the half way point, but we will not know until next week after another PET scan and doctor's visit.
This past treatment has been rough so far. My nurse told me that the effects are sometimes cumulative and so it might get worse with more treatments. Here is how the effects usually work. I get treated on Fridays. It takes about 6 hours and I leave feeling very "plump" and full of drugs. That usually leaves me in a woozy state and I sleep very hard that Friday night. Saturday is typically not so bad. I am usually a little tired but not so bad. However, this Saturday the nausea hit and stayed most of the day. Sunday is my sleeping day. I told Mom as I crawled back into bed this morning, "I'm really good at this sleeping thing." My body feels like it weighs a million pounds and Mom chases me around with liquids to try to hydrate me. To be quite honest, I do not really give her a good chase. When your legs feel like lead there is no escape. Tomorrow is when my mouth will begin to hurt. The cells in your mouth are rapidly dividing and therefore are subject to the effects of the drugs. This aching lasts for about 2 days but makes it hard to get liquids down. However, as each day progresses I get back more and more strength. Other weird effects such as hot flashes and gum soreness and, of course, hair loss. This is all an interesting process of learning how my body works and how drugs can affect it.
One interesting effect has been termed "chemo brain." Basically, it makes me feel stupid. I am not exactly sure how this thing works. Short term memory seems to be affected the most. Jon has now taken to following me around with a notepad so that if I say that I need to do something, he writes it down so I will not forget. It is the most frustrating thing! Thinking seems so much harder and there are times when I will be speaking and forget what I am saying. We laugh at it most days because it is so funny to think about, but it is a very real battle. Cancer and treatment are a humbling process. I call the chemo brain battle "the battle not to feel stupid."
God is teaching me so many things during this time. Contentment is one lesson.
It is very hard for me to be still. I like being busy and I like being able to accomplish many things all in one day if not all at one time. With treatment, that goal is ten times harder and often impossible. The Lord is teaching me to be content despite the effects of chemo and despite my unfulfilled "to do" lists. My prayer is that God would cause me to be content in whatever state I am. Contentment and patience are not apathy and indifference. It is easy to become the latter two when you are going through a time in which you cannot control so many aspects of your life. However, contentment and patience are worth fighting for. They are an acknowledged dependence and an active resting in the Lord. We all are dependent upon the Lord; many times we just fail to live consciously dependent. Contentment and patience are a battle; apathy and indifference are simply resign. Contentment and patience are worship; apathy and indifference are not.
I had never dreamed that I would spend my twenty second birthday wearing a scarf around my head and feeling like a cancer patient for the first time (my hair is thinning quite a bit now). I had never dreamed that I would not be at my university that day (I did however spend it with my amazing sister Janie at her university and it was the best birthday ever!). I had never dreamed that I would be preparing for treatment on the following day... And never in a million years would I have thought that Jon and I would be talking through tears about how wonderful our faithful God is and how far He has miraculously brought us in two months.
I am learning contentment; and I am rejoicing.