Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Almost there...but I don't know yet

Sorry for not posting in so long. Life has been much busier since treatment ended. Yes, treatment has ended! Radiation is done. I am still waiting for my final scan and doctor's appointment on July 14th. I am praying they say that the scan is clear and this period of life is over. Meanwhile, I am busy tutoring, preparing for the wedding, and watching my hair grow back. (I am thrilled about the hair on my head growing but not so thrilled about the leg hair coming back as well.)
With treatments coming to a close and with an end to all of this in sight, I have been reflecting on the last few months. Many times people say that trials are good. They show you how strong you really are and they make you even stronger. But they don't mention that they expose sin, those deeply entrenched sins. Those sins that even you did not realize had such a grip on you. They don't mention how trials cause you to question or become angry. Or that there will be just as many moments of fear as there are moments of faith. The truth is you come out humbled. Job did. Sometimes you come through it, ending that race in tears or in a desperate collapse. This is no glory moment for you. We are not superheros here.
I remember climbing a mountain in Ecuador called Illinizas. Going up was tough. Next to battling cancer, it is the hardest thing I have ever done. I was trying to cling to the side of this mountain when every rock was falling around me. Nothing seemed safe and I was praying so hard. All of a sudden my "big talk" about scaling this thing had ended and I was praying just to survive. Almost to the very top, I stopped and just clung to the side of the mountain. I thought that I would never make it down. But I did make it down the mountain...on my butt. Talk about not-so-graceful. I scooted down the dusty side of the mountain on my rear end. When I finally got down to where I could walk, I had a huge red dust mark on the back of my jeans.
Sometimes I feel like this is how my journey through cancer has been. I would not change the experience because the Lord has taught me so much about clinging and depending. However, I have been humbled. It has not always been pretty. But God is faithful. There are still marks on my body, like the red mark on my pants, that will remind me of the journey and the struggle. They will always remind me of how small I am and how infinitely loving God is to have guided me through.