Decisions

I thought that as I was sitting here in the chemo room I would write a blog entry and let you know how things are going.
In the past 24 days I have had to make so many decisions. Decisions about which doctor to go to. Decisions about scheduling tests and treatments. Decisions about plans for school. Decisions about when to get married. Decisions about whether or not to see a fertility doctor as chemo can possibly create infertility problems later. Decisions about whether or not to go ahead and cut my hair. Decisions about what to eat on chemo days. (I have learned that the food that I eat on chemo days later becomes a food that I do not want to ever see again. So, from the last treatment, I do not want to eat a cheeseburger and crinkle cut fries ever again. Today, Jon and I are stopping at Taco Bell after treatment to eat one of their mysterious tacos. That is one food that I think I can be okay detesting later... I should detest it now.)
Despite all of the difficult decisions over the past few weeks, the hardest decision has been one that I have had to make every day. That decision has been to trust and take joy in the Lord. It has not been an easy decision and there are days that I sin in worry, doubt, and discontentment. But there are also days where God blesses me with a peace and a joy that are found in Him alone. He is satisfying me with His Word and providing daily reminders of His goodness through encouraging notes and comments from others. From this chair in the chemo room, I sit back amazed at His goodness and how He is so gracious to me, one who is so prone to wander from Him.
Yes, there have been many decisions and many changes in my life over the past 24 days. Some days it is hard settling in to what is the now "normal" of my life. Plans have changed but God is constantly reminding me that while things have changed my purpose still remains; that the Gospel would be proclaimed wherever I am. There is comfort in the fact that amidst change my life's purpose stays the same. I still am a worshiper of the Most High and I am still to pursue others to be worshipers of Him too.

"I believe that I shall look upon the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living! Wait for the Lord; be strong, and let your heart take courage; Wait for the Lord." Psalm 27:13-14

Thank you all for your prayers!

Psalm 3:5

My New Years resolution was to pursue holiness. Never in my life did I think that God would chose to sanctify me in this manner.
Over the past three weeks I feel as if my life has been turned upside-down. The first Tuesday in January I was diagnosed with a cancer called Hodgkin's lymphoma. The lumps that I had been feeling in my neck while I was in Ecuador finally had an explanation. Up until this point, through all of the tests in Ecuador and a few back in the States, I had been counting how many times I had to have blood drawn. After my first visit to the oncologist's office, I decided that I should stop counting. There was a long road ahead of me.
There are a myriad of emotions that come with change. Being the meticulous planner that I am, mourning was what washed over me as all of my plans seemed to be thrown out the window. Student teaching, graduation, and a wedding in July seemed to be all "ifs" instead of the planned dates that they were on my calendar. I battled through anger. Why in the world would God let me go through this? After one particularly hard tearful night when I felt like I was screaming at God, He led me to this verse the next morning. It is a verse in Job 2 when Job's wife tells him to curse God and die for the suffering that Job was having to endure. Job's response was "shall we take the good from God and not the bad?" (Job 2:10) Suddenly I was weeping before my Savior. I had just spent four months relishing and rejoicing in my Sovereign God who kept me safe in a sometimes dangerous foreign country, provided friends that "just fit", and even amazingly helped me get back home on time despite computer glitches and airline problems. I was so ready to boast in His sovereignty then; however, I was angered by His will now. Conviction set in.
God has provided many reminders of His sovereignty even despite the hardships. He provided a fantastic doctor, who upon my first visit said that she was praying for me. He has given me strength to get through the preliminary appointments even though every time I was looking at possible escape exits should I decide to bolt. He supplied peace as I was unexpectedly put in the hospital for 5 days due to complications. And He has been faithful to grant me energy to make it through my first chemo treatment. He is so faithful and good.
I told my mom today that this is such a humbling process. (Mom and I have been spending a lot of time together by the way. She is my loving caretaker. She told me that she wanted to spend time with me before the wedding...so...) Every morning I wake up and lie in bed for about five minutes. Life feels normal and I think that maybe all of this has gone away. But it hasn't. And my body usually lets me know that when I try to move. But there is a time for everything, and now this is my time for chemo. It is a humbling time. And every day is a battle to trust the Lord and to take joy in Him. Sometimes I feel that I am giving the same look to God that I give mom almost everyday (usually at the doctor's office); I look at her with tears in my eyes and say, "I'm trying." I'm trying. I'm trying to trust. I'm trying to take joy. And God is faithful to meet me where I can't even begin. He gives me faith and He gives me joy.
I have received so many cards and letters that have humbled and encouraged me. Thank you for the prayers and verses; they have been such a comfort. But one second grader, who I don't know, sent me a card with this verse, and I cried. "I lie down and sleep. I wake again because the Lord sustains me." Psalm 3:5.