Friday, April 22, 2011

Reactions to Change

On Tuesday afternoon I went to the doctor. I thought that it would be the routine check over and hoped that the doctor would tell me what she and the other board of doctors had decided regarding my case. I was prepared to hear that they would give me 5 more doses of chemo and that would be that. However, I was not prepared to have my doctor tell me that I had only one more chemo and then radiation! It shocked me and that shock sent a wave of thoughts and emotions through my body.

Hold on! Radiation? I thought we were trying to avoid this because of data that shows that it could cause cancers later in life. Are you sure about radiation? How did we reach this decision?

My doctor said that some of the radiation technology has improved and that she felt comfortable with this route.

Woohoo! Last chemo on Friday! I'm done! Done with those drugs! Will I get my picc line out of my arm? What? On Friday? Right after chemo? YES! The worlds longest and most relaxing shower is about to happen! I can go lift weights! I can go out without feeling self-conscious about the tubes coming out my arm!

You will meet with the radiation oncologist next week.

What does radiation hold? Are we making the right decision? What if it does produce cancer later in life? What will radiation be like? Radiation or chemo? Suddenly it all seems like pick your poison.

You will be done with chemo!

Done? That's great! It's so easy to rejoice, especially with others and my family. But, in the alone moments, it's harder. What about others who are not done? What about the girl who is only one chemo behind me and has a very similar case? Will she be done? What about the other patients who seem to see no end to the cycles of chemo? I feel guilty for being so blessed. When I walk out of this cancer center, I will be viewed as the unlucky one, the one who has cancer. However, in the cancer center, I am the lucky one; I am the fortunate one. Why me? How do I go to my last chemo and look at the others who might be there off and on for a year more? Thank you, Jesus, for letting me done; but, what about the others? As you can see, Lord, I still wrestle with your sovereignty.

Alright, that will be all. Congratulations!

Thank You, Lord. Like salvation from sin, I am undeserving. Thank You for your grace. Please, continue to sustain me. I am nothing without You.

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